I didn’t know it was heroin...

I didn’t know it was heroin, I thought it was an oxy overdose. My former fiancé from another time in my life, lost his life this way this past November. -

His death has allowed me to look at the most brutally painful and abusive time in my life and connect to that girl again. For a very long time I was so embarrassed to have ever been that girl, so for 6 years I shoved her away and only focused on becoming new, and a person I’d be proud of again and I kinda needed to do that for awhile, but I don’t disown that chapter of my life anymore. Sometimes in the healing so much is uncovered and unearthed you can feel worse or more broken than before, you might even feel frustrated like you’re taking steps backward. The pain is where the light gets in... eventually. : ) Almost everyone is going through something, something known, or something silent. Breath through this time and know that you are NOT permanently broken. Like bones, the heart, the mind, and even the brain's synaptic pathways can repair and reform. We can know hope, joy, excitement and adventure in our lives again! YOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT TO DO, that’s too much pressure right now. Allow the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide you in love and restoration, because if you will lean in there, that’s the hope that is in store for you. BE KIND and PATIENT with your pain, with the person you see in the mirror... even with your very eyes looking back at you saying “ i don’t want to be this person.” I challenge you, accept yourself RIGHT NOW, AS YOU ARE because this version of you is worthy of love RIGHT NOW. P.S have you ever played two truths and a lie? Will you share two hopeful truths about who you are and one lie that threatens to make you feel like 💩?

I was walking to a coffee shop when I heard this...

I was walking to a coffee shop when I heard this lady poppin’ off about her car being towed. She and her daughter were visibly stranded, but between the crazy yelling, the fact that i really had some work to do and a verse i recently read in proverbs that basically says “mind your own business,” i kept walking... for about 10 ft, and then i stopped and thought “this is not about minding your own business, you can help, it’s your privilege to help.” I walk over to them, the lady is straight up screaming on the phone, so i give her daughter my number and tell her to call if they need a ride to the tow yard. They call me, I give them a ride, it was all of 30 min out of my day. I write this to say, i almost didn’t stop, just because society says i don’t have to, i thought, “they are grown women, they’ll figure it out,” but i swear to you, God checked me, and i remembered LOVE IS PRACTICAL, and i thought of all the times people have helped me. I hope you know I’m not looking for Eagle Scout approval, just want to remind us all to pause before we pass judgment, and know that the moments we can help others aren’t always going to look perfect. Sometimes they come with a hard day and a bad attitude, but it’s not about us, it’s about an opportunity to love. I don’t live a life of service everyday like some folks I admire, but I know God gives us chances to be love, even if it seems weird or uncomfortable. So, let’s get a little weird and uncomfortable with our love.

A letter to the hurt in you:

A letter to the hurt in you:

Mind moving too fast and body too slow. Have you seen the chaos swirling? Have you felt it move in you? It doesn’t feel good to feel the thoughts fast and many, from every side. Slow down.

Have you felt so much grief, so much loss, so much pain that you either cry or feel numb? Both are too great to bear. You didn’t do enough today, not according to you. Maybe there is shame? Now it hurts more and there is only the comfort of avoidance, of isolation.

Was it always this way? When did you last have a good day? What was your best day? How did that feel?

You can find that moment again, you can face the fear inside, you can quiet the noise inside, you can surrender your grip.

Resistance causes suffering. Do you want more suffering? You don’t deserve more suffering dear one.

Maybe you just need a chance to see yourself in another way...

Maybe you just need a chance to see yourself in another way, a moment to breathe in deep and really see yourself. Removing the rapid thoughts. The fire in your brain. The fear that builds inside your head convincing you that you are all of your thoughts. But you are not.

Can you slow down ? Look in the mirror and instead of thinking, take a moment to really see yourself. Look at your eyes and see who is staring back at you. Slow down. Deepen your breath into your stomach. Your body is not an object, you are not meant only to be sexually pleasing or visually “beautiful.” When we look in the mirror we often get outside of ourselves, but you can go inward.

All the hurt is making you judge yourself, all the loss is breaking you, you move and move. Faster and faster. Maybe your heart hardens because you have come to believe you have to protect yourself.

Dear one, you are a soul. You are not the meat suit covering your soul. You are your soul, this body is just a vehicle.

Slow your thoughts. You are done running. You can be safe. Play one note at a time, and let it be easy, let it be peace. You will transcend this momentary weight into a lightness of being. You are free. You are being renewed in your mind and your spirit and this will transform the countenance of your face and you will be more beautiful than ever.

This year I learned ONE thing

This year I learned ONE thing.

One thing that softens 93% of my rough edges. EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS EARTH... IS JUST A HUMAN BEING WHO WANTS TO BE LOVED.

Let me keep it real with you, when my ex emails me and I’m frustrated and angry, underneath that anger is hurt and under that hurt is just a person who wants to be loved.

We miscommunicate our needs, our desires, our intentions so often, we become infinitely complicated.

I’m Italian, I’m a woman, i’m a Scorpio ( people say that’s a thing) I’m a ENFP, I’m an eneagram 7 and 4... bla, bla, bla bla... bla. That’s information, and i like it, but ultimately I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE, A HUMAN BEING WHO WANTS TO BE LOVED.

Guess who else just wants to be loved? Your friends, your enemies, your boss, that girl or guy who makes a billion $$, celebrities, your siblings, your ex, your future spouse, your current partner, models, people we judge, the garbage man, your doctor, your favorite director...you got it. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

I’m not necessarily talking about romantic love. But while we are over here in mushy love land. WHAT ARE YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES? HOW DO YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE?

Living A Great Story

Living a “GREAT” story felt so much easier, so much more obvious when i was on an adventure. To run around and primarily seek opportunities to help, to sit with people from all over the world and feel like everyone was coming alive at the same time, or sharing some real, true reality of who they are. For me nothing ever, ever, ever felt more right than interviewing people who felt stuck. Men, women, younger, older, super “successful” and others struggling, and yet this weird thing happened when we sat down to talk, or hiked and talked. The stories tumbled out like a dam held up for far too long, the universal vulnerability was shocking. I still don’t really know how it happened, but it has made me crave that level of depth, that level of community, of truth.

How do you LIVE A GREAT STORY when you’re in a season that requires sacrifice, a “season” that seems needed but maybe doesn’t make you jump for joy? Real talk.

Feel free to share in the comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Oh and if you’re down to get extra intentional with your story / life check out @liveagreatstory

It started when I was 7

It started when i was 7. After the first time i was molested my life changed, and In my life i have struggled with the following; depression, anxiety, depersonalization, derealization, ptsd, and pure o (a form of ocd)

It’s still really weird for me to say these words, and honestly i don’t have a lot to say right now except... you are not alone and i personally believe that any struggle you may have right now, is not a label that you must wear forever. You are adapting, your brain and experiences can change, and if they stick around for awhile you can still have a beautiful and fulfilling life. When you wake up and you are still struggling, you have not failed. There is a myth, it says that if you work through something that it’s just over, it’s just done. Some things don’t work that way and this is actually NORMAL. C.S Lewis says “we must begin again each day, as if nothing had yet been done.” Please do not be discouraged, when the day hits, you feel knocked out and everyone around you seems happy and doing so great. There is a world of people feeling like you. You aren’t so screwed up, you aren’t alone. You do need support, you do need community. And finally, if you are brave enough, your experience can help others feel less alone. KNOWING MANY DIFFERENT FORMS OF PAIN IS LIKE KNOWING MULTIPLE LANGUAGES, IT GIVES YOU THE ABILITY TO SPEAK TO MORE PEOPLE. Over and out.

#1 Way To Get Unstuck

Tell the truth. That's hard to do right now. There's all these living people my truth effects. 

I've had to write around parts of the truth, I've looked at my life and story from angles and ways that made me glide away from nights of looking at my door handle praying it wouldn't open, and I have had the freedom to write about my adult life, to share all the adventures I've had and the struggles and the beautiful thoughts, the overcoming and wildly wonderful dreams that are coming alive. You see there is an ache in this world, it's a hard place to be sometimes. Someone once said to me "you are either going to rise up or you are going to sit and wait to be taken out." So which is it? What's going to happen, what are we going to do? What am I going to do? What are you going to do? I think should help each other, and I think we should get creative with it. 

Hey you dear soul, it is you who belongs, it is you who is loved, it is you who is seen, it you who is not forgotten, it is you who is hoped for. 

It hurts right? This unsatisfied feeling in your heart, this pain from before, this struggle to overcome what has been done. Maybe you did the bad thing and you hate yourself now, maybe the bad thing was done to you and you aren't the same. 

See I know what it feels like to feel like you will never be the same, like too much has happened and the damage has left you permanently changed. God that is so scary. The truth? It's a little bit true, you are changed, but not permanently damaged. There is a sea of forgetfulness where all those things in the past can go, and they don't have to belong to you anymore. You can have new paper and a new pen. If think for two seconds I mean for this to stay a place you read about getting unstuck you're wrong. We are going to go places, we are going to challenge fear, we are going to throw a wrench in the old way of living, of feeling, of being and book plane tickets and sometimes we are going to do it together, so get your passport because THIS IS YOUR INCITING INCIDENT. 

P.S Oh yeah, the number 1 way to get Unstuck is to get unstuck everyday as if nothing had yet been done, because it's a long road and there are pot holes to dip into, mountains to climb and oceans to fill your lungs with salt water and it's not going to be easy but you are going to try because you value your life and you aren't a robot. Did you know that? Did you know that you aren't a damn robot and you choose your life everyday? You can choose to make little changes to get unstuck, and that's consistency, you're gonna need that. But I suggest you go big and you don't go home, you do something to radically change your perception of yourself and your life. 

We can talk about this more, but for today be encouraged because the paper and the pens are yours for the taking.